Some Astro-Therapy for John Kerry and George Bush (A Satirical Prognosis) - 10/21/04

As your astro-therapist, I’m so glad that the two of you agreed to sit down for this little chat. The race for the Presidency is always stressful, but I know you’ll both feel better after some astrological detox.

Before we explore what makes you tick, let’s examine the birth chart of America. The Declaration of Independence was signed on July 4, 1776. That makes this nation a sensitive Cancer. Coupled with the moon in progressive Aquarius, it’s clear that the U.S. was founded as a country of conscience who “feels the pain”of those less blessed than her. This empathy gives her an increased sense of responsibility, a prime directive to help those who are less fortunate. Besides this noble side of her personality, there’s a reactive, almost pre-menstrual aspect to America’s birth chart, too. Four planets in watery Cancer give this Crab a tendency to lash out with vicious claws when she feels disturbed. Some may argue that this is exactly what the U.S. is doing in Afghanistan and Iraq. Who needs to pin down the location of weapons of mass destruction when you’re pissed and jonesing for a shakedown? “I am Cancer! Suffer the pinch of my cosmic wedgie!”

You’d think that President Bush would have an innate understanding of America’s needs, since his sun sign is also Cancer, making the two of them “psychic twins”. But George W., as your therapist, I have to say that I’m disappointed in you. Cancer is the sign of the mother, the über-womb, the archetype of the enlightened female. And you just haven’t honored her essence the way that you should. Tell me, why have so many of your choices attacked the primordial feminine? What made you decide to withhold $34 million for birth control, maternal and child care, and HIV/AIDS prevention from the United Nations Population Fund in 2002? You do realize, don't you, what the majority of that $34 million was to be used for? This money provided women in third world countries with the three basic things that they need to give birth in a relatively healthy manner: a sterile sheet to lay upon, a razor to cut the umbilical cord, and some string to tie off the cord. These are basic, essential items for every would-be mother, and the United Nations Population Fund has always done a superb job providing this for women in need. If I were to recommend one area that you must develop in your chart, it’s your capacity for compassion. Hidden away in the void of your sixth house, I’m afraid that it’s a little rusty.

Consider following more of your First Lady’s advice. As a Scorpio and Water sign, Laura is already attuned to the pulse of this country. With her no-nonsense Mercury in Sagittarius, she’s guaranteed to set you straight on important stuff, if you’ll just listen to her. So postpone a golf game or two and get talking. And George, please stay away from those dirt bikes. Your moon in Aquarius makes you a bit of a klutz, and you want to survive your next term if you’re re-elected, right?

Moving on to Mr. Kerry, I have a few comments to make. By the way, you don’t mind if I call you John, do you? Many of your critics have accused you of exaggerating the degree of your heroism in Vietnam, downplaying your injuries and all of those shiny medals you received. While your bold Sagittarian sun tells me that you’re a true risk-taker with more than a dash of Indiana Jones about you, I’m a little concerned about your retrograde Mars. C’mon. ‘Fess up. On occasion, you’ve been known to fib a little, to hog credit when accolades should be more evenly distributed among others. It’s okay. This is a therapy session. I promise not to tell anyone outside this room.

You’ll avoid a wrinkled brow and bypass any further Botox injections (looking good, by the way!) if you can learn to come clean more regularly. There’s great honor in simply having been part of a fighting squad who did their best to serve their country during a difficult and unpopular war. So remember to access your inner team player and share the glory more often. Throw that Gemini puppy dog John Edwards a bone once in a while, okay?

And by the way, it’s best to let your wife, Theresa Heinz Kerry, do her own thing if you’re elected to serve as President. With her powerful Venus in Scorpio, there’s no dictating to her. She’s like a force of nature, and that’s exactly how the Universe intended her to be.

But you already know that, don’t you?

Gentlemen, this ends our astro-therapy session. Now you have some cosmic keys which will help you to make use of the power of the Presidency, should it be granted to you.

Footnote: Throughout the history of the Presidency, the candidate who at the time of the election has the most active Uranus in his chart has historically - without exception - been the winner. In this case, the two candidates' birth charts indicate that Kerry has more of this activity going on.

Energetically, there have also been several recent "probability" shifts that would indicate that Kerry will win, by roughly 62% of the popular vote.

That's my prediction, and I'm standing by it.

And please, keep your anti-Kerry email to yourself. I'm not personally in favor of either candidate, so your comment will be wasted on deaf ears. I'm just calling the election as I see it. This Presidential race has already been dragging on for so long that I feel like I've been infected with a terminal case of election nausea - haven't you? Contrary to what the media tells us, there IS more going on in the world than just our funky, clunky, political process. Really.

-- Lipstick Mystic

**Update August 16, 2005: There's been a ton of evidence that has surfaced about the shoddy tabulation of votes and the manipulation of election results. For a recent update to this info, read here: Why Kerry Won.

I stand by my astrological prediction of Kerry's win, because it was clearly indicated in the charts. . . and it DID happen. Just because we've been hustled into shutting up and ignoring the truth doesn't change the outcome.