Lipstick Mystic - Guest Interviews

Q: Sandra, thanks for speaking with us today about the phenomenon of the Dangerous Man which you describe in your new book, How to Spot a Dangerous Man. You've also developed a workshop based on this material and have a workbook available which will be of interest to my readers, I'm sure. Can you tell me what first prompted you to write about the Dangerous Man? What is a Dangerous Man, exactly?

A: I had been a therapist for 15 years working with female victims of violence and dangerous males. Over time I noticed the pattern of what types of women dangerous men tried to date and what kinds of men certain types of women dated. As you can probably guess, they were selecting each other. The pattern of selection was mutual. A Dangerous Man is any man who harms a woman emotionally, physically, financially, sexually, or spiritually.

Q: I imagine that just as the Dangerous Man exists, so can a Dangerous Woman. Have you seen that archetype turning up in your clients' lives, too? Or is it less common? Do Dangerous Women resort to the same predatorial behaviors as the Dangerous Man does?

Q: You've been a counselor in the areas of victimology and emotional trauma disorders for many years. I imagine you've heard a lot of horror stories from people who were in terrible situations. Do any of these specific stories show up in this book, or do you cover other women's experiences?

A: If women stay long enough in these relationships or end up in a number of these relationships, their chances of having a horror story increase. There are case studies under each category of Dangerous Man so women can see how each category played out in the relationship in someone's life. The end result in all of these stories is the woman is hurt. It may not be overt violence in all the stories but going back to my description of a Dangerous Man, the issue is that the woman is harmed in one of those ways.

Q: I recall submitting some of my own Dangerous Man stories to you while you were putting together material for your book. Every woman I know has had some experience of this type of guy, and I'm no exception! I would have loved to have had your book to read about ten years ago. In your book, you encourage women to listen to those "red flags" that alert them when a relationship is headed into the danger zone. Do you think these red flags are something that every woman experiences? What are the major red flags that women should be aware of if they feel they are in an abusive relationship?

A: Every woman has red flags because they are hard wired into your biology. Your fight/flight system is a warning system in your body that tells you when you are unsafe or uncomfortable. But women also have emotional and spiritual red flags. The problem is we are a nation of numbed out women who ignore, override, or don't recognize their own red flags. Understanding WHY you have tuned out is the most important issue. Different women will have different red flags. Once you can sense that again, you can respond and disconnect from unsafe relationships. But until then, you are definitely at risk.

Q: I think it's great that you are teaching readers about trusting their intuition and learning to obey the messages that their nervous system might be giving them. I truly think that we are "hard-wired" to sense danger, even in close personal situations, but we often let our minds override these impulses. When I was in relationships with Dangerous Men, I found myself constantly making excuses for the men's terrible behavior, telling myself that I must be off-base with my feelings. Also, I had known women who were in far worse situations than me, being physically abused, and compared to them, a guy being verbally abusive didn't seem so bad! Do you find that there isn't much material out there to help victims who are suffering from emotional or verbal abuse, and that the field of victimology tends to be slanted to address victims of physical violence?

A: When people hear the title "Dangerous Man" they automatically assume I mean violent men. There isn't a lot of support for women who are harmed in other contexts within relationships. I certainly wasn't well-supported with my ex-husband who was a wimp but sucked the life out of me until I was a puddle on the floor. Yet, that was dangerous to my mental health. I think a lot of women miss dangerous men because they are looking only at Victor the Violent as dangerous when in fact, women are harmed in relationships by 7 other categories of dangerous behavior other than just violence.

Q: One thing you are quite clear about in your book is that the Dangerous Man isn't just somebody with a minor problem. Pathology is involved, and you show readers how to recognize behaviors that fall more into the category of mental illness or clinical personality disorders. Sometimes it's hard to swallow the fact that your honey may be mentally ill. When I had a full-time spiritual counseling practice, I found it difficult to convince my clients that a "Can do" attitude just wasn't going to "fix" a guy when he was demonstrating pathological behavior, no matter how much the ladies wanted to make it work. How common is it for women to fall into the "rescuer syndrome," feeling that they can just will away a guy's behavior through being loving, forgiving, patient, etc? I find that a lot of women who have a healer's energy, with a big heart chakra, tend to fall into this one. They're constantly seeing a guy's "potential," focusing on his idealized, most spiritualized, self, instead of waking up and realizing, "Hey, he's treating me like crap! Even if he is a soulmate, it's time to get myself a new one! I deserve an upgrade!"

A: Many pathological men SEEK that kind of woman. They need to know they are at particular risk because of that aspect of their personality. They need the awareness to understand they could be a target. I am not a big believer in falling in love with potential. Either he's got the goods, or he doesn't. If you are having red flags, he DOESN'T have the goods for a long term healthy relationship. The longer women date pathological men, the more normal they end up looking to them.

Q: In your book, you cover eight main types of Dangerous Men, including the Parental Seeker, the Addict, and the Emotional Predator, to name a few. But you don't just describe them, you go into "Who they seek," describing which types of women they tend to latch onto. It would seem that relationships are like a combination lock, requiring two specific personality types that will "click" together. You're saying that it takes two to tango - that these Dangerous Men need specific types of women who will enable them and allow them to continue their Dangerous Man behavior. Do I have that right?

A: That's correct. This whole theory about men picking women and women not being responsible for their end of the picking is ridiculous. Who held a gun to your head to date this guy? He asked you, you went out, you kept going out. If it turned out bad or he was dangerous, what in YOU made all of this possible? We can't change anything but ourselves and our choices. If we continue to blame men for dating us, we have disempowered ourselves as if we weren't part of that equation. If there is something in me that's attracting this quality of guy, I want to know what it is so I can work on it.

Q: After you describe "Who they seek," you go into "Why they are successful." This highlights the ways that they exploit different women's personality types and get their hooks in deeper. You do some great writing here, helping readers to see how their OWN behavior can get them into a relationship with a Dangerous Man. This is so important, to help women to see how they have certain dynamics going on that can be very attractive to a Dangerous Man. You work with helping women change their own behavior, so that they are more aware of how they're attracting Dangerous Men. It's important to take ownership in this way, isn't it?

A: We aren't victims, we are volunteers. If we continue to date dangerous men, one right after the other, those are our choices, aren't they? The good news is, if they are OUR choices, we can learn to make better ones. "Change Your Choices, Change Your Life." There are definite things that women do that sabotage themselves in this areas. They just need to learn what that is so they can gather insight and make better choices for a healthier and happier future.

Q: You also include personal stories of women's actual relationships with the various types of Dangerous Men and include a "Red Flag Behavioral Checklist" for each type of Dangerous Man. This is great, because it helps to crystallize what a woman might be experiencing, laying out the behaviors in a clear way so that she can see the patterns. Each type of Dangerous Man has his own unique pattern of abuse, doesn't he? But I suppose there are things that all Dangerous Men have in common, too?

A: Each category of Dangerous Man has his own signs and symptoms, his own type of women he seeks, his own patterns within the relationship. What makes a Dangerous Man dangerous on MY list, and in this book, is that what is wrong with him is hard-wired into his biology and psyche and he cannot be fixed. What's more dangerous than a person who can't grow, change, or gather insight? It's a guaranteed pit of unhappiness for a woman who picks him and waits around for something that cannot and will not ever happen.

Q: And perhaps most importantly, you also include self-defense strategies to handle each type of Dangerous Man situation. This is very critical, since extracting yourself from one of these relationships can be complicated. But the information you include is very specific, empowering, and practical. It's like you're a wise cheerleader helping readers to build up steam and propel themselves out of a bad situation. Does your workshop explore this material in more of a hands-on way? How does your workbook differ from your main book?

A: The self-defense strategies are really for BEFORE a relationship or early on in the relationship. I advise people who are in unsafe relationships to use their domestic violence shelter or a professional to get out. These strategies are for early on in the relationship or even right when you meet him and hear or see things that trigger something in you.

The book itself is good for prevention -- for women or young teens who have not dated a Dangerous Man and you are wanting them to avoid that. It's also great intervention for women who have already dated a Dangerous Man. The workshop is good for both intervention and prevention, too. It looks at the signs and symptoms of each Dangerous Man category but also women's own sabotaging behaviors.

The workbook is a great tool for women who have already been in at least one Dangerous Man relationship. I call it Brief Psychoanalysis! (That's a joke!!) It goes back to early childhood and looks at patterns with male role models and then goes through each and every Dangerous Man relationship extracting missed red flags, the woman's REAL motives in the relationship, and helps her develop her own personalized Do Not Date List of Characteristics taken from her own patterns of selection. It's a very personalized and in depth look at a woman's own choices.

A: I have done the workshops at a lot of college campuses this past fall but also women's organizations, community centers, pregnancy centers, churches, women's centers, health organizations, etc. The workshops began because the book was not out yet and people didn't want to wait! So the workbook is a mini-overview of the book. Women go to the workshop, understand their Dangerous Man issue, hook up with our website and then order the rest of the materials so they can really look at what is going on. A lot of women buy the workbook and work through it with a counselor, which has been helpful.

Q: I think every woman should stock several copies of Dangerous Man on her bookshelves. Over time, she will definitely know friends or colleagues who might not realize that they are in a bad situation - and she can give them the book! What is the best action for someone to take, do you think, if they have a friend who appears to be involved with a Dangerous Man? So many women find themselves on the outside, worrying about a wonderful lady in her life who is in a Dangerous Man situation. It can be heartbreaking watching these relationships unfold and not feeling like you can do anything about it.

A: I think the important thing is to talk about it. Women look for loopholes to stay in relationships. They DON'T tell themselves the truth about what they are doing, their red flags that are screaming inside of them, or their real motives. Gently confronting women about "What are you thinking?" when you know the guy is dangerous can be a wake up call for her. Sending her to our website http://www.saferelationships.com can help too. There are a lot of wake up calls on our website. The workbook has specific loopholes listed that challenge the kinds of things women tell themselves like "I'm not getting serious;" "This is just until someone else comes along;" etc. The workbook and quiz booklets are a shot of reality between the eyes for a lot of women.

Q: Well, you definitely give readers a full arsenal of tools to understand and overcome abusive relationships that fall into the insidious category of Dangerous Men. You provide women with a critical map of the landscape of victimhood, while at the same time empowering them with information that may save their lives someday. Thank you very much for providing this material in your book, your workbook, and workshops. You have a website as well where people can read more about Dangerous Men. Tell us about that.

A: The website http://www.saferelationships.com is a good place to send people who might not have the courage to go to a counselor yet. The Dangerous Man Program on the website includes Questions & Answers; Dangerous Du Jour which are stories about Dangerous Men; Share & Care where women can turn in their own stories; information on the workshops and other products and services we have. We also offer a phone consulting service for women who need to talk to someone immediately. This is not long term counseling, but they can find out if they are in a dangerous relationship and then find local resources for themselves.

Q: So where can people find your book and workbook if they'd like to buy it?

A: The book is out now, available through bookstores and Amazon.com. The workbook and quiz booklets are already available as I also sell them at the workshops. They can order them at http://www.saferelationships.com. They can also find out more information on how to bring a workshop to their area or set up a phone consultation.

Q: Thanks so much for sharing this material with us, Sandra. And since some of the landscape of Dangerous Man also applies to Dangerous Women, my male readers should also take a look at it. Heck, they should take a look at it anyway, just to make sure that their own behaviors haven't fallen into Dangerous Man territory!

A: Yes, as I said dangerous behavior is not gender specific. I'd love to write a book on Dangerous Women in the future. So go on, guys, and get your stories ready!

Q: I wish you the best with your book and workshops and website. Look for Sandra to be appearing on radio and TV spots throughout 2005. She's already appeared on "Life & Style TV" with Kimora Lee Simmons and other news programs.

A: Thank you for this opportunity. I really appreciate it!

Sandra L. Brown, MA is an author & psychotherapist who has worked both in the field of victimology and also psychopathology. She is the author of Counseling Victims of Violence, How to Spot a Dangerous Man, and The Moody Pews. She has previously had her own TV show, "A Voice for Victims." Check out her website and her free monthly ezine at: http://www.saferelationships.com

New Fall 2006: Buy Sandra Brown’s Amazing 3 Book Pack Here, Including How to Spot a Dangerous Man, the Dangerous Man Workbook, and her new book How to Break Up with a Dangerous Man

Intrigued by this interview? Wondering if you already know a Dangerous Man? You can order Sandra's new book by clicking below. By purchasing through these Amazon links, you not only help to support this site, but you make more exciting guest interviews possible!

And don't miss out on the How To Spot a Dangerous Man Workbook: A Survival Tool for Women, a practical manual which will help you to apply the ideas Sandra discusses in the main book:

And as if Sandra hasn't got enough going on, she's also just come out with an inspirational book!

The Moody Pews: 52 Devotionals for the Flower Child Baby Boomer is a trippy ride through 52 devotionals that reconnects Baby Boomers/Gen Xers to the pop culture of the 1960's, 70's and 80's and allows them to see God through their own culture. Learn character development through The Beatles or Rod Stewart. Find definitions for faith through Dr. Seuss, McDonald's, or Bob Dylan. Check out your own mental health with George Carlin. Funny, easy to embrace, grace inspiring and yet unusually deep, The Moody Pews takes a comfortable approach to Christian growth. The multi-media presentation "A Night of Legal Flashbacks" incorporates the images and music of the 60's & 70's. The most fun you've had -- without the cops!