Some Thoughts on Death – and Life

First off, I’m sending out a HUGE big, fluffy energy hug of sincere thanks to everybody who has been so supportive and kind at this crazy time in my life. This includes all of you who posted comments here or at my Facebook page, as well as all of you who sent me sweet emails.

On an energy level, the best way I can describe what I just came through is if a herd of very pissed off elephants stomped all over you, then pooped on you out of spite, and then, after they were gone, a pack of hungry hyenas and/or jackals came along to pick at your bloody entrails.

It REALLY WAS that difficult.

From the outside, as you might view the disjointed narrative of what I’ve recently shared here, you might just be thinking, “Oh, Jennifer lost her mom recently and that must have really been difficult for her.”

No, it wasn’t. The death part was easy, and it made total sense. It was the sheer energy wake of what came before and after, along with the accompanying exhaustion and constant stress, that was the real problem.

Not that it’s been fun losing the physical form of my mom — whom I’ll miss on a simple, loving human level forever.

But as I have written about time and again, both here and in my book, ALL DEATH IS A CHOICE. (See: All Illness Happens Because of Self-Destructive Feelings and Suicidal Intentions.) And usually, when people choose to check out, it is for a bunch of very good and important reasons. My mother had experienced such severe and sudden decline in her quality of life, plus she was scheduled for a very difficult spinal surgery that had more of a probability of crippling her than improving her mobility, plus she had seen my dad and me working 24/7 struggling to provide the very intense, rapidly shifting, levels of care that she was needing day to day.

And she didn’t want to be in pain anymore.

She didn’t want to end up in a nursing facility or stranded indefinitely in rehab.

She didn’t want us to die from not having any sleep — or, at the end, even food. (We had reached a point where eating was just not happening. Too many sudden trips to the ER, too many emergencies at home, too many THINGS going on to even bother to eat. Which was not good.)

So she made a very gracious and graceful exit. And she did it in her usual loving and generous way, too. She didn’t want either of us there going through her death pains with her. We had already pretty much been through that during a very scary eight hour trip to the ER the prior Sunday night. (During which I felt the shadow of death come down and try to take her about three times, and my response was to willfully sort of throw my energy body over hers to try to prevent her death.)

Instead, I had a lovely visit with her a day earlier, during which she was for once not having any pain (which was weird since she had been needing major painkillers and for a very brief time that day, she didn’t need any at all). And since a sudden trip to the hospital and her overall weakness meant she wouldn’t be having major spinal surgery which she’d been originally scheduled to have the next day, we thought we were looking at her coming home in a couple of days and continuing our caregiving to try to get her strength up for surgery in another month or so. And I suddenly realized I HAD to get home to renew my driver’s license since this would be the only time I’d have to do that (my help was required 24/7 for caregiving while she would be home, even WITH occasional help from a nice home health nurse. It was a two person, 24/7 caregiving situation.)

So I chatted with her at the hospital, she was happy I was headed home for a quick break, plus she was in good spirits and optimistic about her recovery. My dad also visited her that day and everything seemed fine. I hit the road and did the five hour drive home to New Jersey. My exhaustion at that point was so intense that my psychic abilities were kind of all over the place. I had been very aware in the past week or so of trying to focus my entire attention and love on her in every moment because my nervous system seemed to know that she might choose to go soon, although my mind couldn’t accept it. So I felt very displaced and weird heading home.

The next day I felt an eerie feeling all day. That morning I discovered via phone that my mom had spent the night in ICU due to some scary low blood pressure readings. She had been discovered to have an ulcer, which she was being treated for, but she was losing blood. Even so, the doctors weren’t raising any alarms with any of us. This was supposedly all easily treatable, since ulcers respond well to the right type of antibiotics (they’re caused by a bacteria).

I talked to my mom on the phone that morning in ICU and again, she was in good spirits. She said she’d had an angel of a nurse who looked after her taking her vital signs all night. And, again, nobody was raising any alarm bells with my dad or me about her condition. So we had a cheerful but brief discussion on the phone. Later that morning my dad visited her, and again, no warning bells were being sounded.

But in the afternoon as I went to the DMV to get my driver’s license renewed, I felt that displaced, yucky feeling again — not as intense as the time two nights’ previous when I literally felt the shadow of death come down to touch her, but almost like that. When they took my photo for my driver’s license, the photo came out very strange; not only did I look exhausted (which I was from five weeks of no sleep), but there was a shadow or SOMETHING over my face.

I didn’t know it consciously at the time, but my mother was in the process of dying at that very time.

My dad showed up at the hospital at the end of the afternoon to visit my mom, and a doctor stopped him to give him the bad news that my mom had just passed away in the last hour or two. They had tried to call him on his cell phone, but it wasn’t on.

Which was just as well, really. I think my mom wanted to gently sneak off without us worrying even more about her.

Everything after that is a continued blur; me immediately driving down that night to be with my dad; the very horrible lower astral energies that were trying to come in and hassle us all around this event; me having to be in major shamanic warrior mode to protect my dad, protect my mom’s spirit as she made her passing, let alone dealing with my own continual exhaustion.

Then I had to immediately write an obit; funeral home director meetings; immediately pulling together loads of photos to use for publishing various things like brochures and stuff for the funeral; planning a party for after the funeral at the house; writing a speech to give at the funeral; steeling myself for the open casket torture of that whole mess (funerals are barbaric but open casket funerals are even worse; still, it was my dad’s call and he wanted one last chance to say goodbye). The funeral itself. That dragged out all week.

Then a week home alone with my dad, getting completely drained by his very understandable and constant grief; still being exhausted myself; not having any time to process MY stuff; me continuing to have some very scary physical symptoms which had started a couple of weeks previously and which I had NO OPTION of dealing with yet except through doing energy healing work on myself each night (that’s what kept me alive through this process). Then I finally had to take a break and come home, even though I’ve been worried about my dad and possibilities of his collapse, etc. We’re talking every day on the phone, which is a bit of a lifeline for him, plus planning trips to see each other soon.

It took me about another week to even feel partially human again. My life force had been almost completely vampirized by this experience; it was down to about 60%. Any lower than that, and you are dead. Not anybody’s fault, really; the intense level of caregiving my mom needed came on very fast and each day we were struggling to adjust to how much worse it was getting, incrementally. It all was happening so fast and so intensely, with very quickly us being in the reality of having not one spare moment to do anything else. That’s why food sort of went out the window for a while. No more time even for meals. A blur of trips to the ER, doctor’s visits, wheelchair transfers/lifts every four hours round the clock, and more.

I’m sharing this with you because of many reasons.

On a personal level, I wanted to bring you up to date on my recent adventures.

On a teaching/metaphysical guide level, you need to understand the bare bones of what was going on so in some of my upcoming articles I can describe more of the esoteric things I observed and was a part of during all of this, which might help you if you are dealing with the deal of a loved one now or at some point in the future. Also I have a LOT of information about caregiving and what’s going on with that — the stuff nobody has the balls to tell you about.

And also, I want to share the speech I gave at my mother’s funeral. It talks about empaths and how empaths are often very quiet and shy so people don’t know them very well. This was my mom in a nutshell. She kept people a little bit at a distance because she was so very shy and sensitive, but at the same time, she constantly put other’s needs first and beamed out the most constant stream of healing, unconditionally loving energy. A lot of quiet empath types walk among us. They’re not showy, they don’t attract a lot of attention; and sometimes, after they pass on, people can miss out on truly understanding the immense gifts of energy that they gave throughout their entire sweet, quiet lives.

I edited this speech a little bit when I was giving it live…….to about 50 people at the funeral home, while I was standing ten feet away from my mother’s dead body. (Sidenote: Don’t EVER do that to your loved ones. Especially not when there is only ONE family member who could possibly give that speech — my dad was too grief-stricken — and it’s the nastiest thing to do to them. My mom wasn’t there in that casket. She was in the ethers spreading particles of magic and love to all who had assembled there. Gawking at her vacant shell was spiritual rape for everybody there. Join me in this chant: NO MORE FUNERALS. Good news is that she wanted to be cremated, and that’s the purest thing for the body and the spirit so the spirit can gently and fully decord from the vacant shell. Bad news is that having that funeral right away and me having to put that all together was the most horrible thing I’ve been through — past heart attack and violation by various negative entities included. End rant within rant.)

Anyway, for what it’s worth, I’m posting the speech. It’s in PDF file format. I hope you can learn a little bit more about psychic empaths and how they walk very gently and generously and quietly in this world, and how very few people appreciate them or understand them because they’re not “LOOK AT ME! LOOK AT ME! AREN’T I WONDERFUL?” types. :) As a society, we unfortunately only tend to reward the narcissists and the egomaniacs.

And thanks again to all of you for being patient and supportive as I process these recent events. I’m still having many wobbly days, but since I’m a fast healer, I hope to be posting lots more articles and coming out with more of my books very soon. I’m still not sure if I will be able to tackle all the consults that have piled up during this time, but I’ll make a decision about that soon — and if not, you’ll receive refunds shortly. Part of me would like to complete them since we were in the middle of doing a lot of good work together, but I’m not sure how my energy is going to be, plus I still have travel stuff going on and some ongoing cat crises still to deal with.

The speech — in PDF form: *note: this link address should work now — fixed*
Jennifer Speech

 

Comments: 8

 
 
 

Wow, what a nightmare. Sorry for being honest but that is truly what it is … in a way. Although I don’t know you, except through your blog, I genuinely, from the bottom of my heart and soul send you condolences, love and kindness. Your pain is great and I can feel it and I cannot imagine, or even want to, go through something like you did. At least now, your Mom is free, free from severe pain, free of thoughts of sadness and the unknown, of having to face and deal with the possibility of facing her own death and the effect it is going to have on you and your father and other people in her life. Thank God she is free of all this.
I hope nothing but good thoughts and love come your way as you heal from all this in the coming months for you, your father and other people she loved. I guess life can’t always be a bucket of sunshine. Take a break from your life, go outside, become one with nature as you do so well and let all the animals and trees and earth beings help you and guide you through happier times and one day you will again smile and be OK and your Dad will too.

 
 

Jennifer,

I’m so sorry for your loss, and for everything that you’ve been dealing with over the last little while. I can’t even imagine what you must have gone through, and I’m so sorry you had to. Your mother sounds like a wonderful woman, and your tribute to her was extraordinarily moving.

 
 

Martha, I’m so sorry you went through all of that incredible, ongoing pain. It was very sweet of you to post here.

One thing I am learning as people offer condolences, etc. is that the world is divided into two groups of people: people who actually gave a shit about the person who died, and who might have been involved with extensive, thankless, stressful caregiving, not to mention the huge maze of legal issues/financial issues/scary medical bills/etc. that happen after somebody dies, and then there are people who were actually quite RELIEVED to have someone (a mother, father, etc.) die because — you know what? They didn’t love them or enjoy their company.

The two things are NOT the same.

Also, when people are at a physical distance and are dealing with things strictly via phone calls, or they have the buffer of other family members or siblings to create a cushion around them dealing with this stuff, IT IS NOT THE SAME.

I had one “friend” whose own parents abused her horribly tell me today via email that I should go to India, as a “student of life,” implying that my own little silly grief and stress mean NOTHING compared to the horrific poverty, illness, and systemic religious control of the lovely people who live in India.

FUCK THAT SHIT. I’m still trying to grasp that level of cluelessness in someone whom I thought was very spiritual, tuned in, and wise.

I think you learn a lot about people, and the levels of love/functionality/sacrifice/etc. within their immediate circle of loved ones, when they express “sympathy” or “condolences” around a death of your loved one.

What I try to get my dad focused on are the BLESSINGS….the incredibly happy 50 years he had with my mom, the 45 years I had with her; and the very unique and close survivor’s bond we formed over the last month of her life as we all pulled together to get her through the very worst times, physically and medically.

If you haven’t been through something like that, I ask my readers to do those of us who HAVE a huge favor and don’t even ATTEMPT to say you know what we went through.

Because you don’t.

Anyway, thank you again for sharing your story! I understand that family members in many situations can be very selfish, distanced, and non-involved (and non-loving when it comes down to it) when dealing with a loved ones medical care and disability; I saw this with my honey’s mother, when we were the ones helping her out and her HUGE family of children, grandchildren, and great-grandchildren really couldn’t be bothered.

In these situations, you learn who your true friends are. Who your true family is.

And sometimes, it’s very instructive to back off from those who, when it comes down to it, are so caught up in their own selfish SHIT that they truly don’t possess the circuits to care about anything but themselves.

Such people are chronic energy vampires, and I have a LOT MORE that I will be writing about this; plus you’ll find other articles about this throughout my site.

ENERGY VAMPS, I HAVE YOU IN MY SIGHTS. SEE THAT SHINING LIGHT THAT MAKES YOUR DECAYING LITTLE EYES HURT? I’M SHINING IT AT YOU. :)

 
 

I am so sorry for you and your Dad’s lost.I lost my husband suddenly in 2008 on Dec.2nd at 12:14 pm.I was told at 2:00 AM that morning he was dying and I could come back there so I did.We were married for 37 years and were truly best of friends.We loved each other so much and did everything together.He had 4 children which are adults now and none of them really cared what happened,I’m not saying they didn’t love him I am just saying they weren’t there with me to take and be with him as they should have.Well finally the nurse called me out of the room around 11:00 I don’t really remember the time for sure but anyway she told me this has never happened before a person who is dying and his vital signs were still good,so she told me I had to go tell him that I would release him to go on and that was so hard for me.He had been in the ICU for 8 days which is my Life Path Number but I was in utterly shock because he had such good health so we both thought.He died then at the hour and minutes I told you earlier and that also was my Life Path #. I had little sleep as well and didn’t want to eat but I had fallen out one early morning back there and I was dehydrated so bad but still none of his kids came to help me.The oldest told me while I was in the ER that they couldn’t take care of me and their Dad.I couldn’t believe what I was hearing because they wasn’t even up there like I was.I left one time in the morning to come and get clothes and shower then I was back in 45 minutes and never left his side again.You are right there is people who are so cruel and not caring nor helpful.Well my Beautiful husband wanted to be cremated.The day he died my sister-in-law was driving me home and ask didn’t I want to go on to the funeral home and get everything taken care of and I said yes like a zombie and that is how I felt.I didn’t have a ceremony for him because I didn’t know this could be done until later in a couple of years.I really had no one to help me and guide me.It still hurts to this day and I am still in depression however your story inspired me and I thank you for it.I only wish that I would have known that I could have given him a service but I can’t undo the past and I try so hard to live for the future but it seems so hard.I wanted to share with you what happened to me as well and to this day his kids have not tried to help me with our home even though the oldest one was told I would pay him for the help.The others live in Texas but they have been to see their brother that lives not far from me and never have contacted me or visited and I help raise all of them.I still feel anger toward them and I know I am going to have to forgive them in order for me to move on.My Sweet husband was so spiritual and truly treated everyone as he would want to be treated and he laid the foundation and by example lived in the way he believed and believed in the way he lived.God I still miss him so bad that it still hurts.I will be praying for you and your family and I ask that please pray for me to get some kind of healing so I can move on.Thank You and God Bless You,Love Martha Reece

 
 

We’re concerned about her, too, Susan! :) My dad and I are working on planning a trip to see her; she’s such an incredible and lovely person.

Thanks for commenting here and I wish you all the best! — Jennifer

 
 

Your mom was my good friend’s older sister. I remember your mom as quiet and self contained. Jackie Sue and I are still in touch on occasion. I am concerned about her with the recent loss of her husband and now of her sister. I will keep all of you in my thoughts and prayers.

 
 

Thanks so much! :) Yeah, we’re focusing on all the blessings and wonderful times we had with an incredible lady and trying to put the sad stuff behind us. We’re very lucky; we have a lot to celebrate.

 
 

Jennifer,
Thank you for sharing this wonderful and moving tribute to your Mom.
What a beautiful lady!
My wish for you and your Dad is that all the good and happy memories and times you shared with your Mom bring you comfort, peace, and in time, smiles and joy at the incredible love you shared. xo

 
 

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